Stand Up For Love — ALWAYS.

There is nothing more that toxic abusive persons cannot stand than being exposed for what they truly are. They simply cannot stand it! It drives them absolutely gut wrenching mad. I think that y’all would be proud of me for having stood up for love in spite of being blocked from the group that I posted in, related to Permaculture. I posted the following three paragraphs with a link to my small acreage here and as a result was blocked for the reasons mentioned below. Although the administrator has the sole power and control to manage the group on behalf of all of the members in the group, I chose to fight for what I intuitively sensed was a form of abuse or gas lighting, in light of the fact that matters concerning issues of virtue and love were apparently at stake. I was also personally crushed at an emotional level which is never fun. So, did I do the right thing?

“Any available partners/gorgeous young nature permaculture offgridcabin wife-material babes in this group?

Kinda would be nice to share this little gem in the sticks that has so much potential, otherwise I might end up renting it out for someone else to enjoy as I am finding the solo journey a little monotonous at times.

Permagirls are turning out to be of the rarest kind, so much so that I am starting to wonder if there is even a single one available out there!”


After much bickering in the thread I chose to send this response:

Hey everyone. The way I speak or text… is just fine. Commanding how others choose to express themselves, however, is NOT “just fine”, it’s called suppressing freedom of speech which is not what social media is about or Permaculture for that matter. However, in light of new specific rules concerning how we word things in this particular group, I am willing to re-consider posting strictly on matters of Permaculture and less so on matters of the birds and the bees…

So as a result of getting temporarily blocked from the group I had a great opportunity to express to the admin the following:

“Did you block me from the group for one post of mine because… I’m reaching out to people to help me on my Permaculture acreage? That kind of action is disproportionate. If you’re intimidated by my post because I have the courage to reach out to others and because I am ALSO offering a great Permaculture acreage for others to enjoy… then why not just take down the post, or better yet, warn/educate me on your reasons for having blocked me so that I might learn and grow as a man and reword things to conform to your own group censorship. Banning me or anyone for that matter from interacting with other Permaculture folk just for one allegedly erroneous post… well, it’s cruel of you to treat people like that, as you have now severed any possibility for me to not only find LOVE — the highest human virtue (which includes Permaculture; birds and the bees, folks) but also preventing others to connect with me or I with them on matters of Permaculture.”

The admin was kind enough to explain to me the following:

“If you use the group to promote your air b n b

and use words like wife material



to solicite a mate

you will be blocked


Feel free to rejoin

this group is for sharing information

group is for people who post *meaningful* content

self promoters are regarded as guests by myself the creator of the group

and will be removed at my discretion

my *apologies* on behalf of the admin who approved your post”

[*was added by me]

So I replied:

“Thanks for the clear explanation, man. If you could send me the link to the group or an invite, that’d be great. I’ll be sure to post meaningful content that meets your above description better. But this is a Permaculture farm here so… Thanks for understanding. And thanks again so much for your sincere apologies. I’m impressed, actually.”


Now, for those of you who have chosen to “justify” belittling me or insult me directly — not only have you contributed to and encouraged extinguishing the spark of love and vulnerability in others, much like is the vulnerability of delicate seedlings in the first few days of germination, but you also provided an excellent example of psychological projection. This is good because we can all learn from this, as we often project our own personal intimate feelings and perceptions of ourselves — onto others, a number of times each day. So it never hurts to make note of these sorts of (toxic) habits, for the sake of improved human relationships.

So, in reality and in light of the context and weight of what has occurred here, this post now has nothing to do with romance or anything personal concerning me. The ethics concerned here is simple: whenever someone reaches out for love in anyway it is wrong to punish that individual. In fact, it is the cruellest thing to do to another human being, and any mature adult knows this. Alas, the admin might have had a rough day, or maybe some other explanation applies. No one is perfect, right?

However, it must also be said that demonstrating this kind of stellar vulnerability often attracts people who not only struggle with reaching out to others themselves, rendering themselves vulnerable (an undesirable thing for those of us who do not wish to be hurt by others), but they also see this as an opportunity to control and suppress such courage and indirectly so, the woman or man at the helm of such courage. Doing this of course is neither commendable nor courageous in ANY way – no matter what “reason or justifications” anyone dreams of attaching to this cruel action toward other sentient human beings. But then again, nobody’s perfect, right?

Having said that, I did clearly include the fact that this acreage is a *Permaculture acreage* and that it ought to be enjoyed by a loving couple who love the Permaculture life or a place such as this, for the sake of Permaculture — as, while I am able to enjoy the lifestyle on my own like Hans Solo banished to a distant Permaculture planet, it would be twice as enjoyable to enjoy these things with at least one other special someone. So, in reality this post is more about the Permaculture acreage than it is about my own personal situation — I doubt very much that anyone in their right mind in the Permaculture community would want to see a Permaculture acreage such as this go to industrial GMO farmers who only care about money, or am I wrong? So if I might dare speak freely here: this is entirely related to Permaculture, which this group is interested in. So, again, what is important here is not that I find a mate. What is important here is that this post is related to Permaculture and also matters of virtue and that, while it is good to keep one another in check from time to time concerning community standards of the group, it is also NEVER wrong to defend love or matters concerning love and those who have the courage to express that love to others by reaching out for it like a goddamn superhero.

Only a toxic personality would not only punish but also even ask other people to apologize for reaching out to them, loving them, or wanting to do so, or even worse: wanting to be loved. This is fucking disgusting. Never apologize for your superhero strengths, folks. The world can always use a little more love — ALWAYS.

In psychology we colloquially call this kind of toxic control or manipulation “gaslighting” – to make someone doubt that something like reaching out for love or any other noble gesture such as that is good; sowing seeds of doubt in others’ perception of their own physiological reality and honourable motives. This is extremely toxic behaviour and it ought to be addressed just as any other community standards ought to be addressed.

My heart felt crushed due to having been blocked without any warning or explanation for my very first post in this group. It was a terrible first experience. It made me feel that loving or wanting to be loved in return is wrong and unacceptable to everyone in this group, when in reality it was merely a handful of people who took offence at this “wonderful opportunity”.

While it is not my job to teach the administrator a lesson in life, I am not going to just sit here and say nothing about the implications involved concerning how I was treated on account of this one single post, not only in the context of social networking, free speech, and issues involving Permaculture land management as well as who manages that land, but also concerning the very driving force behind all of creation including saplings seedlings the birds and the bees: the unstoppable nurturing force of love, and indirectly, the desire to survive, to live, and to thrive. Fortunately we have platforms such as this to (allegedly) express ourselves and communicate with one another so that we all might learn and grow into maturity and hopefully towards love, in spite of any political agenda we might want to push onto others, such as feminism or the like.

Things that we say which enables abuse:

You’ll get over it.

You’re just imagining things.

There’s no problem.

Don’t be like that.

They have a right to act that way.

They’re just doing their job.

Don’t be so upset over something so trivial.

What did you do?

Aaah, there just bugging you a little. 

I wouldn’t worry about it.

You’re being way to sensitive about this.

Just don’t think about it.

No one cares.

You always think that.

It’s not like they did/do it intentionally.

You’re crazy.

That’s ridiculous.

You’re just being paranoid.

You’re blowing things way out of proportion.

Abuse doesn’t apply to men.

Everyone gets “brainwashed”. 

Just move.

You shouldn’t just trust your “instincts” like that. Why do you do that?

Why do you always say that?

How can you think those things about them?

Nothing ever changes.

You don’t really think that you can make a difference, do you?

You worthless piece of shit. 

Think of your reputation. 

Why can’t you be like all of the other reindeer?

God can’t bless you for that.

Shut the fuck up, Donny.

I thank all of you for standing up for me, but more importantly for standing up for someone who is reaching out for a little help, whether or not it is myself, or some other woman or man. This speaks volumes on the nature of YOUR healthy characters.

Whether we are on the farm or in the city or on some other planet, it is usually important for us to learn how to forgive one another and to make room for imperfections from time to time. In fact, it is necessary for the well-being of our collective humanity and the direction that we choose to take that humanity into the future. I don’t know about the rest of the members in this group, but as far as I’m concerned I could do without another war on this beautiful planet of ours.

I would also like to thank those of you who did choose to take offence at my post. And just for you super special ladies and gents I will submit another post which is not related to romance or love or reaching out for companionship or help in anyway; would this please you at all? It will be a post from a friend of mine who successfully managed to produce three different grades of oil, gasoline and butane all from burning cow patties and twigs. You will like it, I promise.

Thanks again, folks. Stay strong, and remember:

ALWAYS defend love in whatever shape or form she takes, our sanity depends upon it.

We all grew a notch here today, so let’s be thankful huh?

“My honest opinion based on your account of the situation is that the Permaculture Group has every right to not allow classified, “singles,” type posts. I could understand wanting to keep that kind of stuff off a page and to insist that members strictly stick to permaculture information/content.

If people responded by berating, insulting, or belittling you, then that is wrong of them. Though that is a separate issue.

I also think that going around and making a big deal of the situation is itself unskillful, in that it is perpetuating the drama. My advice would be to accept the group admin’s decision, decide to stay or leave the group based on whether or not you still want to participate in the group about permaculture with the people that are there. If the people are too rude/mean/childish, then consider finding a different permaculture group.

There’s always going to be bullies, idiots, and trolls on the internet. It comes with the territory. Think of it as an opportunity to practice emotional detachment and equanimity.

I fail all the time at this stuff. It’s easy enough for native emotionally detached from a situation that doesn’t involve me. But that’s just my take on what the best approach should be.”

~ Rob

“Yeah, and it was also a disproportionate reaction/treatment, which naturally will generate a sense of something being off. I can learn, move on, and forgive. I can also however signal where I felt and think that I was targeted in some offensive ill-intended way. And I must stand up to that, at least once. If we know that what we feel deep inside of our being is in someway disproportionate or unfair, it is the consideration of and even duty for any sentient being to stand up and speak out about it. It’s also not against community standards.”

~ Lemurian 

Intuitively I sensed that this was the polite and mature thing to do; to communicate clearly and as respectfully as possible. But trust me, at first I felt like shaming the individual and running my own smear campaign against the admin, as this comment does to some degree, unfortunately, by implication — targets/abusers are intertwined like yin and yang; though, it is not the primary intension. However, I realized in my own moment of anger that acting offensively (which I am EXTREMELY talented at executing) would only cause more harm and further stunt that individual’s personal growth towards empathy and the like. However it ought to be noted here that:

Anger would be and is the correct response if in fact being targeted in an intentionally abusive or narcissistic attack. Any action — even if exaggerated by anger — would be and is always better than doing or saying absolutely nothing. Try really hard not to murder them, though.

Let’s take a moment to consider ethics when it comes to times of war as was the case in Nazi Germany, right? Well, we don’t need wars to give one another the excuse to act honourably for the sake of preserving mankind’s highest virtues within relationships, friend or foe. But instead of resorting to anger only, I chose to fine-tune that anger or energy into information logic and healthy reasoning on matters concerning the indisputable importance of our highest human virtues which surpass culture, race, gender, and even religion and spirituality. Perhaps somewhat out of the confines of strict Permaculture group community standards etc., but higher human virtues nonetheless. So I reworded my original knee-jerk reaction as best I could… like when speaking to a child.

So what do you guys think? Obviously, I would welcome any encouragement either in this group or in the Permaculture group where I made my original post. But I choose to think that what is important here as far as people in groups like psychological abuse are concerned about, which is, mainly: psychological emotional mental etc. abuse and how to manage or interact with or call out people who intentionally engage in toxic abusive collisions with others who’s only plea is to demonstrate a little empathy or a need for help or love or the like.

There’s nothing “wrong” with love, folks. There never has been, and there never will be (that’s one of the reasons for why we call it “love”). And there’s nothing wrong with opening up to others who reject that love; it is far more difficult and honourable to let our guard down in order to take a risk on love than it is to crush those who do have their guards down… allegorically speaking, it’s kinda like driving a tank over the feet of Permaculture growers who are working as hard as they can to seed their garden with the best seeds possible, barefoot.

However, lastly, I am also realizing that it does not really matter what other people think. What matters is that we stand up as individuals to what we sense is evil or toxic or abusive, and that no matter what everyone else might say to discourage us or alter our perceptions about what we not only know is true and real and good, but also sense from the deepest core of our being must be defended and even nurtured as much as possible.

We come into this world alone, and we leave this world alone — with nothing else but our selves and the ripple effects that we leave behind in this world. Don’t let anyone take away or minimize or control or manipulate or silence or repress or limit or belittle the LOVE that you were given. That love far outweighs anything else on Earth, the universe, multiverse, as well as in the spiritual realms. It’s value is indefinitely priceless. The world desperately needs for us to love one another, learn, and grow towards improvement as a more sentient race of human beings. 

Feeling good IS a right, in my opinion, and another reason for why I say tha when it comes to a real full fledged rotten angry spiteful little abuser, the toxic treatment is intentional because, as irrational as this appears to be, we would not intentionally harm another but if indeed we are dealing with a toxic person, chances are that they are acting intentionally. However, this logic doesn’t work in a normal healthy social context… because, who in their right mind would presume such a horrible thing? But with an abuser this logic works just fine! That’s how we can spot them coming at us from miles and miles and miles away, via trial and error, using this assumption (lightly and with healthy intention), and if the patterns start showing face one after another like a line of falling dominoes, well, then the sadass abuser gets exposed, and they just LOVE that sort of thing. Then their apologies really start becoming sincere at that fresh new opportunity of hoping that those involved will fall for it and choose to beilieve them. 

We might start teaching this stuff in high school ASAP, lest we continue on as a society full of zombic vampires limping around and running things out there.

Alas, it felt cruel so I was compelled to speak up about it. There were a number of others who I have become friends with in light of this unfortunate collision of values; they have expressed to me that they too have felt treated harshly in this way and as a result have left that group, have attempted to communicate with the admin but to no avail and then subsequently blocked, with an apparent time bomb of blocking since my response on the post with other people’s feedback in the post’s defence as it did in fact contain harmless content and “wording” which was related to the group theme: Permaculture. What is this, Nazi Germany? The group rules were also magically changed that day due to the “wording” of my post.

So it appears that I might not be the only one who has felt this suspected narcissistic attack.

It was a disproportionate treatment which invites another. 

But hey, I could be wrong. 


“People are just hurt, suffering, and afraid. So they act overconfidently and aggressively to make up for it. No one wants to die, unless its on their own terms. Even then, most go reluctantly… leaving that one possibility to the wind.”

~ Lemurian


Meh… let’s look on the bright side here, folks: abuser/target collisions have great potential to generate some decent publicity for one another.


I will add you as a friend, I like your style! 

~ Ian

Wow! Stellar, phenomenal communique’! I definitely feel you my friend. And, very glad to have somewhat blindly but instinctively jumped in to fray… I clearly bet on the right horse. Love, as you have so aptly identified it. And you, so eloquently have valourized the feelings/emotions/common sense of those who chose to lend support. Wonderful, wonderful words and insights. Thanks for sharing. 

~ Peter

So I wanna say I find this stuff somewhat hokey, but I’ve been so sad that only one male I know rears up against oppression alongside of me. And lately it’s felt like what are we waiting on to be authentic and fight for a true human experience. 

~ Carolina 

Just wanted to say that was very eloquently put. Not many people could stand up for themselves these days without resorting to abuse themselves – shows you are made of fine mettle. Keep up the good work, hang on in there, & I’m sure you will find exactly who & what you are searching for. Well done. 

~ Molly 

Just wanted to say that was very eloquently put. Not many people could stand up for themselves these days without resorting to abuse themselves – shows you are made of fine mettle. Keep up the good work, hang on in there, & I’m sure you will find exactly who & what you are searching for. Well done.Don’t let anyone take away or minimize or control or manipulate of silence or repress or limit or belittle the LOVE that you were given. That love far outweighs anything else on Earth, the universe, multiverse, and in the spiritual realms. It’s value is indefinitely priceless. The world desperately needs for us to love one another, learn, and grow towards improvement as a more sentient race or human beings.’ Thanks! That really spoke to me. I needed to read that.

~ Emily 

Hey! I can’t believe the permaculture admin blocked you!! I thought your post was fine! This PC BS is getting totally out of control! The feminists went bonkers over your wording. I get that feminism is good, but it’s also a real problem. There were a few of us who appreciated your honesty… a few of us are expressing surprise about it. Anyway, a few women (maybe four) made femi-nazi remarks and then the moderator blocked you. There were at least that many defending you. 

~ Andria 

Some were later asking how they were supposed to generate their permaculture harem then post turned into the funniest thing I’ve read in ages. Geez, would you really want to be in a group with a moderator like that? Lots have chosen to leave because of how the admin dealt with it – but left your post up; perhaps felt threatened hence the alpha male – “I don’t know how to compete (that it should even be a consideration) so I’ll block him”.

~ Stephanie 

In fact I thought you’re freaking comment on the Permaculture site was hilarious that’s why I messaged you. It’s better to put it right out there and say it like it is then to pretend to be something you’re not in order to please more people. The only ones worth pleasing are the ones that are going to be on your vibe anyway. All the rest are operating on a lower level. 

~ Cherith 

Thanks for sharing. Since you asked in the spirit of learning and growing, I will share my point of view upon reviewing the report. The post contained baited wording that clearly violated the group’s terms and their admin chose to take the action they were empowered to make. They were also, respectful enough to reconcile the situation with prompt guidance on how to be successful with group posts. 

Respect for boundaries and limits and the ability to commune with edifying and respectful words are essential life skills to practice. Direct communication and appropriate emotional detachment are important practices as well. Attaching a broad emotional cause such as, “standing up for love,” may lack perspective, rational detachment, and consideration for the many other choices and boundaries that were described in this scenario. 

Thank you for asking.

~ Cara

I don’t think your wording was wrong. I think that your wording expressed who you are as an individual. There are women who like being referred to as ‘babes’ and there are women who hate it and are offended by it. There are people who view the term ‘marriage material’ as equating with women being a property that you have ownership of. They can not read those words and translate them into what I believe you meant and see ‘someone interested in a long term committed relationship’. The internet is an odd place. People read words without seeing your body language and hearing your tone. They read those words without having read many things you have written in the past where you show yourself to be a kind, compassionate and respectful person and so they read that you want a ‘babe’ who is ‘marriage material’ and get their panties in a knot. I am an old woman who is a feminist storm trooper but because I know your tone from reading things you have written over a period of time, I am not offended by what you wrote. Unfortunately we live in a world where people have knee jerk reactions to things without giving reflection to where the writer is coming from. So, in my opinion, your wording wasn’t ‘wrong’ it just wasn’t phrased with words that would appeal to those that I would think would be participating in a permaculture group even though they say they value diversity. 

~ Dianne

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Have a good one folks!




Heqet & The Frog People

Heket/Hekat/Heqt is a fertility god symbolized by the frog in ancient Egyptian times. Strangely enough the frog is also known to have caused infestations, recorded in biblical history as one of the Ten Plagues of Egypt. “Heqet” also happens to be the high-pitched phonetic sound that frogs make.

This might sound strange but… I once met who I suspect could have been Heqet & the frog people when I was unconscious in an accident as a teenager. They were speaking in a bizarre chromatically descending percussive tone, like when sliding quickly up in pitch to, say, a little above middle C, and then slowly moving back downwards to lower bass notes. It was strange. No discernible message was communicated, if any at all. A few minutes later I came to. That’s all!

Heqet (Ḥeqet, Ḥeḳet; also Ḥeqtit, Ḥeḳtit) is an Egyptian goddess of fertility, identified with Hathor, represented in the form of a frog[1] To the Egyptians, the frog was an ancient symbol of fertility, related to the annual flooding of the Nile. Heqet was originally the female counterpart of Khnemu, or the wife of Khnemu by whom she became the mother of Heru-ur.[2]

The name is written as ḥqt with the determinative “frog” (I7),[3] or alternatively as ḥqtyt with the “egg” (goddess) determinative (H8).[2] Its Middle Egyptian proununciation may have been close to /ħaˈqaːtat/, whence possibly the name of Greek Hecate ( Ἑκάτη).[4]


The beginning of her cult dates to the early dynastic period at least. Her name was part of the names of some high-born Second Dynasty individuals buried at Helwan and was mentioned on a stela of Wepemnofret and in the Pyramid Texts. Early frog statuettes are often thought to be depictions of her.[5]

Later, as a fertility goddess, associated explicitly with the last stages of the flooding of the Nile, and so with the germination of corn, she was associated with the final stages of childbirth. This association, which appears to have arisen during the Middle Kingdom, gained her the title She who hastens the birth (cf. the role of Heqet in the story of The Birth of the Royal Children from the Westcar Papyrus[6]). Some say that—even though no ancient Egyptian term for “midwife” is known for certain—midwives often called themselves the Servants of Heqet, and that her priestesses were trained in midwifery.[7]Women often wore amulets of her during childbirth, which depicted Heqet as a frog, sitting in a lotus.

Heqet was considered the wife of Khnum, who formed the bodies of new children on his potter’s wheel.[8]

In the Osiris myth, it was Heqet who breathed life into the new body of Horus at birth, as she was a goddess of the last moments of birth. As the birth of Horus became more intimately associated with the resurrection of Osiris, so Heqet’s role became one more closely associated with resurrection. Eventually, this association led to her amulets gaining the phrase I am the resurrection in the Christian era along with cross and lamb symbolism.[9]

~ Wikipedia

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Have a good one folks!


To Be Or Not To Be?

Suicidal thoughts or even contemplating the mere philosophy concerning suicidal phenomena is a socially tabooed topic indeed. But it is still important for us to understand the mind of those who do wish to go through with this sort of terminal action. As someone who would choose to show a little empathy towards a potential terminator, we must understand that such a mind is obviously in a state of enduring deep intense and recurring pain of which we as an outsider know little to nothing about. Usually, this is the reason that such people consider terminating their currently dealt program. Not only do those around them enjoying “healthy lives” fail to relate but the suicidal individual simply wants to escape their constant pain, heartache, sorrow, suffering etc. like anyone in their right mind eventually wants to avoid the sound of a broken record. To deny someone this form of escape would seem totally insane and little better a quality of character than those who deliberately initiate suffering and inflict pain onto others as a sometimes covert but also overt form of torture — usually enjoyed by (you guessed it…) an abuser. Is it no surprise then that in our first world cultures it is considered “illegal” for an individual to attempt his or her own suicide? No. No, that isn’t much of a surprise at all for such rigid “first world” policy.

Although we made an agreement with the gods to come here to this world, we never (knowingly) made a contract to stay, and nor can we stay here forever anyways so, my conclusion:

“Go ahead. Make my day.”

~ Dirty Harry

Alan Watts and other philosophers have also proposed that this is the only serious topic or question that we can ask ourselves:

“To be or not to be?”

~ Shakespeare

So then, offering those who contemplate their own termination an unusual response that they might not expect can sometimes throw them off and indirectly sway them to view their situation in a different light. If we respond with something unexpected like, “Okay, great! So have you thought about how you are going to do it yet? Have you made the necessary plans, and what should I do to help? Have you thought about taking out someone else while you are at it like, say, a rapist or a child molester or some evil CEO of some corporate institution profiting at the expense of those less fortunate? Let’s get this done right!”

These kinds of active engaging and realistic questions or concepts will likely surprise a suicidal individual. After all, they are expecting everyone to say, “No! Don’t do it!” Can we see the problem behind this sort of response directed at an already restricted or repressed or depressed victim? It’s limiting. Responding to a victim who shares with us their only option to alleviate their torturous experience — with a totalitarian command noless — will likely serve to diminish an already diminished individual instead of helping that individual in any real lasting way. If anything, such an argumentative reply is damaging and will likely cause the victim to feel even more imprisoned in their already caged-in circumstances. They just want someone to relate to, someone to exchange with about thoughts that are important to them, no matter how disturbing they might seem to be at a glance. Sometimes it is not a concrete solution that we seek in others, but simply that those others would willingly engage with us in seeking. They want to feel as though they matter to others. They want to matter. And they do matter, but the only problem is that we aren’t sending them that message or maybe they just can’t see it, no thanks to the (usually clueless and insensitive) manner of our interaction with them. If for no other reason, a “surprise” response will help to alter the depressive person’s state of mind into considering alternative ideas, even if for only a moment. Frightful territory, short-lived, and unusual, maybe — but a new and alternative train of thought nonetheless. This is what is required in rebuilding neural pathways in the mind: to continually think of new thoughts and not the same old depressive ones.

I say sky or mountain / cliff diving (without a chute), or a swim out to sea would do the job fairly well, if I had to resort to a way out. Something where it is just us and the gods, no one else. Or we could hire a good friend or some excellent marksman to shoot us in the back of the head from across a field at a moment when we least expect it; while we are genuinely happy or laughing or smiling. Morbid, right? But what we do not want to do is accidentally fail at our attempts, such as jumping off of a 13 story building and surviving as a paraplegic like my friend did once. Fortunately enough, she had a wild and dark sense of humour which allowed her to process things somewhat after that.

So after learning about my friend’s story I decided to write an adult children’s book, Suicidal Bunny.

It’s about a rabbit who tries to commit suicide over and over again but never succeeds. On each page there is a cartoon showing how the rabbit accumulates each new injury as each new attempted suicide remains unsuccessful. Finally reaching the moral of the story:

Until one beautiful sunny spring day, Suicidal Bunny thought really hard for a really long time and said: “Well, because I seem to be incapable of killing myself successfully, I have decided to devote the rest of my life in order to help other little bunnies who are also sad and who also want to die; so that they can live a happy life rather than choose to put themselves through the same kinds of mistakes that I have chosen for myself and the suffering that came with it — all for nothing!” …and just like that a meteorite fell from the sky and instantly killed Suicidal Bunny.’


Inspired by Chloe Cole.

PS — If you think or feel that the subject matter in this blog is disturbing, that might likely be because of the fact that the subject matter examined above IS disturbing.

Clhoe Cole

Have a good one folks!


Witchcraft: Music Language Script & Mathematics

Witchcraft is the ability to cast spells or magic in order to alter reality in some measurable (and usually immeasurable) way:

Magic (n.) Look up magic at Dictionary.comlate 14c., “art of influencing events and producing marvels using hidden natural forces,” from Old French magique“magic, magical,” from Late Latin magice “sorcery, magic,” from Greek magike (presumably with tekhne “art”), fem. of magikos “magical,” from magos “one of the members of the learned and priestly class,” from Old Persian magush, which is possibly from PIE root *magh- “to be able, have power.” 

Transferred sense of “legerdemain, optical illusion, etc.” is from 1811. Displaced Old English wiccecræft (see witch); also drycræft, from dry “magician,” from Irish drui “priest, magician” (see druid).”

Screen Shot 2017-08-08 at 3.48.15 PMThis is why when western colonials revealed the powers of writing to Abenaki and other Eastern tribes, the Abenaki presumed that it must have been magic or witchcraft… because it is witchcraft. Any human attempt to reproduce and ultimately capture form is at its core a form of magic power. Music, language, script, and mathematics are all powerful forms of magic that we as human beings harness in a playful attempt to seize real phenomena that is at once a part of as well as separate from us. Some tribes view the reproduction of their own face as a form of trapping their soul, so these tribes will avoid having pictures taken of them and other forms of visual duplications/reproductions etc.. Most eastern tribes would refuse anyone who would want to take photographs of them lest their souls be stolen and they disrupt the spirit worlds.

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Have a good one folks!


The Ex

EMPATHY — it’s a thing. You might want to try it out sometime.

It ought to be stated that this post has been trashed and re-published a number of times, mostly because I want to put this behind me, forgive and never forget. But the more I learn about narcissists and how they destroy people’s lives by using social tactics like isolating people from social groups, which happened to me, it appears that the contents of my personal story and how this is used to explain the toxic traits of narcissists is more important than my own personal feelings of concern towards the exs’ well being or how things might reflect my own negative traits (as such a blog might come across to those who are not aware of my situation as a smear campaign directed at the exs, even though it has been years since I severed contact with the unnamed). So while I would like to simply forgive and forget and trash this story forever, the fact remains that my experience serves as an excellent example of what to look out for when associating with toxic persons.

After nine years of bottling up the following issues concerning domestic abusive manipulations (also know as Mental Cruelty — I miraculously managed to muster up enough self-respect to divorce the ex on those grounds), it has finally surfaced and my side of the story is finally being heard, or… read, rather after what I suspect has been a long smear campaign against ME. Hey, that’s cool. When someone punches us in the face, they are inviting us to punch them back… so that’s what I am doing.

This blog is about the unbelievable forms of abuse that — I — have voluntarily allowed the ex to subject myself to as an underdeveloped younger male who was desperate for love attention and spiritual guidance. A — PERFECT — target. It is the culmination of decades of sorting out the abstract pieces to the puzzle of my life, leading me to a place where I could finally understand for the first time that two separate toxic forces were negatively influencing me as a young man. The toxicity of the narcissistic individuals of which I so voluntarily subjected myself to (out of what I thought was kindness or humility — kindness or humility has nothing to do with allowing other people to walk all over us) and the toxicity of very strict rigid limiting religious dogma — not to be confused with free and limitless spirituality or communion with the gods. While one is harmful enough on it’s own, compounding one toxic force with another gives us twice the bang for our buck! After all, why get one thing for a price when we can get two things for the same price… or three, or four, or five, or six, or seven, or eight, or nine etc. right?

So a comment was made on social media and because this comment was religious in nature, mixed in with a nine year repression concerning psychological issues, it managed to strike a chord at the very core of my being which finally needed to be strummed. Thankfully I was able to post the resulting comment on a narcissistic/psychopath/abuse Facebook support group page, and out of the five pages that I chose to post to it appears that at least one of the groups approved my super special and ultra fun rant.

The innocent comment: (which could not have possibly been posed by a religious person… could it have been? Nah, religious people never beat down belittle or attack in any way shape or form those whom they know are struggling in life, right?)

“Looks like someone never got their prayers answered, because you are obviously sexually frustrated and butt hurt…”

The Narcissist Pitstop

My immaculately calm response (warning — angry rant concerning religions):

That’s what happens when you marry (give your heart mind and soul over to) a jesusfucker. But it’s OK, I’m sure that she’s quite happily married to her brother now, whom I was so often compared to.

Those religious people completely destroyed every iota of my identity. Anyone who has not been brainwashed and psychologically emotionally spiritually mentally etc. abused or controlled and manipulated covertly by extreme evangelical religious indoctrination for the sake of “love” and “forever lasting life in heaven next to jesusfucker & co.” — DOES NOT UNDERSTAND — the level of sheer horrid deconstructionism that takes place at the heart of a targeted individual, so I forbid anyone who has not been through this particularly unique and excruciating experience to fucking claim to know best concerning this matter because you fucking don’t. But go ahead and laugh it up and be a sadass abuser like the proud and infallible abusers were towards me. I’m sure it’ll incur a wonderful karmic experience for whomever is interested in such a sick demonic shallow thrill.

These kinds of people are cruel heartless (somewhat) unconsciously evil satanists who enjoy seeing us wither away, and they hope that we come crawling back to them on our hands and knees begging for forgiveness and more of their succulent abusive machinations enablements and approvals. They think it’s funny. They laugh about it over supper time, right after the family prayer.  They have “forgiven” me, you see. They even get a kick out of reading stuff like this. It confirms that they, alone, are right while targets such as I must clearly be wrong — both cannot be a little bit right and/or a little bit wrong. It must be one at the expense of the other, always.

What beautiful spirits they can be deep down inside where it counts, huh?

But no, I don’t ‘just have a chip on my shoulder’ or am merely ‘butt hurt’. I have dealt with other broken relationships before, and although it wasn’t pleasant to see the end of some of them, this is TOTALLY different. These kinds of religious uptight intransigent people basically fucking hate our guts for having a free mind of our own. They think that we are deserving of eternal hell fire… because they operate out of the deep profound fear and pain and sorrow of the reality of the mysteries of this life and the death which must befall us all one way or another. They will NEVER apologize and even if they did, they wouldn’t even mean a single word of it; they just don’t care about us and our free spiritual ways — it must be their way or the highway every time. Hey, little baby j is at stake here, or at least they ‘believe’ so. They essentially want us all to conform and accept their god or dogma or… die. They think the world’s problems are our fault when in fact it is THEY who judge, accuse, condemn, hurt, belittle, abuse, manipulate, control and resent other free spirits. My only question is:


Well… where is it?

They are not inclusive like heathenry spirituality is. They are EXCLUSIVE and they deliberately shun those who have abased themselves low enough for their help, like cutting off a heroin addict from heroin — if we show any sign of free individuated thought. They want us to kill ourselves, basically — or at least, that is the message that their actions send to those of us who are foolish enough to hope in them for psychic guidance. This is truly disgusting, and I am convinced that not only are they not evolved as human beings but they also likely have little to no soul substance left in them. Yet they like to think that they are somehow “saved”! As far as they are concerned we are all less than trash because we just don’t think like they do or go to their dumbass church and sit on our asses like a bunch of barn animals chewing their cud (Mmmmmaaaaaaaaaaauuoooooua…), or read their shitty little boringass bible with pages so thin you could split an atom with.

Now, the only reason that they want to convert everyone around them in order to conform to their way of thinking is because they selfishly want to be reassured that they will most definitely have a front row seat in heaven. They don’t care about our Earth. They don’t care about here and now. They only care about some solipsistic delusion in some fantastic future place that more than likely does not even exist or at least does not exist at all in the way that any of them conceptualize that it must. Fuck them and everyone who thinks like them and treats other people like they have treated me. It’s subhuman and its utterly disgusting how they can and do emotionally destroy people from the inside out.

I’ll get you, my pretty!

So this isn’t only about the ex or some related sexual issue either. This is about a mentality which functions as a virus and a plague that abuses and dismantles the already frail ‘post-modern’ spiritual frame of those of us who seek comfort and help in life, or those of us who just want peace and REAL love, and yet they have the bloody nerve to claim and profess to be qualified enough as ‘spiritual leaders’ to save others from the very hell that they end up co-creating inside of us through their sometimes but not always unconscious manipulations intolerance presumptions of guilt before proven innocent, and the unwillingness to consider other realities and spiritualities and customs and beliefs and cultures of people who simply prefer to think outside… no box required. So, this is really more about people who claim to offer love and peace and being capable of helping us escape the jaws of death but who instead all too often end up breaking our spirits rather than setting those spirits free.

This is why I propose that religions must be abolished in order to allow the rest of humanity a chance to evolve towards TRUE compassion and TRUE empathy.

Fortunately enough for me and my experience in such religious morals, the specific cult that I married into were in the end kind enough to send me back the CDs of my music that I gave to each member of the family (out of what I thought was love) once the ex would finally end up leaving me (for baby j no less) for three weeks because: I smoked a joint with a friend the year before and finally admitted to it, after she insisted to go see Handel’s Messiah with her immaculate brother once I came back from a week’s worth of hard work in the city to surprise her on my 30th birthday. Isn’t that great? She also took me out to see Transformers for my 29th birthday and then guilt-tripped me with a cold shutdown silent treatment and actually left me in there alone, because I looked at Megan Fox, who played a star role in the film — a film based on toys that my friends and I used to play with as kid! Some birthday gift that was. The experience was ruined and I neither enjoyed my birthday nor the film. She never apologized for any of this stuff and you know what? She does not fucking care about it. I could easily bore you all with 1000 instances like this including (so I was later told by a friend who lived next to them and claimed to have accidentally witnessed the ex indulging in incest with the family hero — though I cannot bring myself to believe it): being lured into feelings of guilt for speaking to her best friend’s sister at church an entire pew away while that friend’s parents were there being included in the conversation, but then subjecting my ass to a guilt trip for the rest of the day with a silent treatment (due to her own obvious low self-esteem issues which I could not to deduce at the time); leaving me playing guess games and wasting my time and energy on her pathological psychopathy. Not to mention all the “friends” and family she spewed out every poisonous word that she could about me to while I spoke to no one for years about stuff like being prevented from watching Victoria’s Secret commercials on Super Bowl Sunday. Or swearing. Or testing a grape at the grocery store, because: “God can’t bless you for stealing”. Or no sex before marriage for a minimum of one year.

Narcissists use the smear campaign to render their targets socially powerless and full of shame. But if you’re lucky, you’ll eventually manage to develop enough strength to wait them out like a noble savage and say your piece — when they least expect it. The lingering foreboding ambient threat of being exposed is like a powerful neurotoxin constantly being recycled through the veins and arteries of the narcissist. So remember: when someone punches you in the face, they are inviting you to punch them back. Which is exactly what I am figuratively doing here, finally. Cool thing is, I don’t even have to identify them because they will likely be doing this for me. Its true, it makes me feel special that my special abusers care more about me than I do about them!

But surely no one is interested in such disgusting manipulative behaviour. Besides it ends up working out totally fine as the rebound from the ex was an atheist narcissist who claimed to be a xian as well. And she only charged me $40-$80 a night after two years of dating her (15K goes by pretty fast in three years); reminding me how I “take too long” (in bed), she rarely if ever complemented me, or the place where I live which I find to be extremely beautiful, and she would say strange things like: “I hate the sound of that bird”, when referring to a hermit thrush which is one of my favourite Songbirds in the world (as if testing me in someway to see what my reaction might be… which was a kind of disbelief and surprise but mostly I would ignore the negativity as much as I could and instead tried to remain optimistic for the sake of our time together), or, “I’m never giving sex away again for free”; stole money, utensils and strange stuff like that (but I just figured that she was either not doing it or if she was doing it she was just playing a kind of love game just to see if I would be upset at her and value the missing item more than valuing her as my lover — but I eventually caught on that love does not play games, folks), gaslighting me, giving me shirts of other men that she had slept with, never apologizing, rarely coming over to my place or staying the night and if she did I was to drive her back right away first thing in the morning, occasionally smiled, introduced me to The Art Of Seduction (2001) which I could not bring myself to read, right before finally taking in some bum off the street the last month that she was in town before she would leave me for some teaching job in China, after she got one last reaction out of me and filed a police report for breaking her window (for no reason, obviously), and quite successfully finished the job which the previous one almost managed to accomplish — breaking my tiny little weakass heart, and made me cry like a little baby. But it was they who showed off the star heart when they laughed about it at me and then called me a pussy (were they projecting here at all? Because if they were I think it a little strange that both a man and a woman lay claim on such a thing for themselves as a single power unit… or maybe I’m thinking of a muff-sandwich); “Keep him down while you can”, ordered the crash test dummy. Impressive Kung Fu skills there, huh? Five years with the ex narc, and not once did it ever say that I lived in a nice house or that I have a nice place or that I am handsome or have things to offer. Everything they say or omit is designed to hurt, gain control over and manipulate others. They are never vulnerable. They are never or hardly honest. They are shame. They are extremely weak and shallow, and they operate from of this fear whilst turning their own suffering into malicious narcissistic attacks onto other souls who do have strength and courage enough to show a little imperfect vulnerability, but the toxic persons will engage in these attacks for a sick short-lived demented sense of thrill and power. They truly are demented, and they know it. That’s why they do the things they do. Because: they can.  

Things that we say which enables abuse:

You’ll get over it.

You’re just imagining things.

There’s no problem.

Don’t be like that.

They have a right to act that way.

They’re just doing their job.

Don’t be so upset over something so trivial.

What did you do?

I wouldn’t worry about it.

You’re being way to sensitive about this.

Just don’t think about it.

No one cares.

It’s not like they did/do it intentionally.

You’re crazy.

That’s ridiculous.

You’re just being paranoid.

You’re blowing things way out of proportion.

Abuse doesn’t apply to men.

Everyone gets “brainwashed”. 

Just move.

You shouldn’t just trust your “instincts” like that. Why do you do that?

Why do you always say that?

How can you think those things about them?

Nothing ever changes.

You don’t really think that you can make a difference, do you?

You worthless piece of shit. 

Think of your reputation. 

Why can’t you be like all the other reindeer?

God can’t bless you for that.

Shut the fuck up, Donny.

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Thankfully both the ex and the rebound eventually chose to never speak to me again after I waited them out like the noble savage that I am. But they made sure to accused me of being a narcissist right before they pulled their Daphnes, made like the leaves that they are, and left. So in the end, I didn’t have to force myself to let either of them go on my own like a man because they never bothered to look back — clearly, I wasn’t worth it. But I waited, and I waited, and I waited… to no avail. Neither of them would move in to the home that I prepared for, first the ex, then the rebound (keep in mind here that these are two separate times and relationships, folks).

But hey, let’s look at the bright side: the rebound let me swear and smoke some pot and have some dry emotionless sex, and would chain-smoke while I was shrunk into her tiny little filthy apartment — when she was well aware that I am asthmatic. Then she went to teach English in China and died from the Asian flu. At least, that’s what I tell myself for good fun.

What a blast. At least she was prettier. So who am I to blame for not going out on a single date with another woman in over four years now — jesusfucker? Nah, these people deliberately want to plan and calculate exactly how to destroy us and shred us up rip us apart right down into pieces; they do not want us to have skills, to be happy, or to have success. This is what they are good at doing, so they are “happy” when they fulfill their sick disgusting life purpose which is: to be a wrecker.


Yeah… I’d say that I’m super well adjusted. Hey, justice over empathy, right?

Guilty until proven innocent!

Happy as a clam.


The End.

I just want to say (text) that it’s not fun to bring up the past and, while it is important to call a spade a spade I am discovering that it does not bring me any satisfaction or gratification when going over problems of past relationships. I don’t want my exes thinking that I think ill of them — even if I have reason to do so. It is important to MY state of mind that — I — not think ill of people. I am more cautious about who I open up to and about what now (not all that much more, though) but I prefer to not operate out of suspicion 24/7! Its exhausting and must also contribute to a depressive state; one where we remain trapped in a constant state of alert — as though the Nazis are about to bomb us at any moment. Although it might help put things into perspective and help me to heal and to see things for what they were, at the end of the day I feel bad/sad and embarrassed about mentioning the dirty laundry issues that I bring up in here. Although this freedom of expression could possibly affect the exes in a “shameful” way (though, I have learned to question this… because: Do they? If a narcissist cared they would at least apologize somewhat or check in on us if they did truly feel this kind of empathy — alas, they treat US as the narcissist instead (projection) and so as a result spitefully go cold-turkey/discard because this is how the abusers in their lives treat(ed) them, so naturally they learn to do this to other people. This is a reason for why I think that going no contact with people is a bit harsh; ideally, we all learn how to “deal” with one another for the sake of civility. Alas, I see that this is not possible with hardcore narcissists). I mention how both the ex wife and the rebound negatively affected me, but I don’t want them to feel bad about themselves and yet… they did “bad” things, so how can we get around this? I guess that I am doing a little projecting here myself: just because we care or think in our way — it does not necessarily mean that others will care or think that way also. Alas, it helps in someways to recognize that I did not heed the intuitive warnings that I picked up on concerning the things that really bothered me about the ex narcissists (there were only two of them, thankfully). I did not listen to my inner-voice, or have experience enough to notice their covert behaviour and manipulations but instead I listened to my biological desire, as many of us do. It’s normal, we all want love and sex. So none of this is easy to wrap our minds around — not that anyone would ever want to have to do this.

It is not without considerable effort and sheer willpower that we resist settling for less in life and in relationships also. And when I say “less” I don’t mean that the exes are inferior, even if they truly were/are narcissists. It is an act of love to care for or to allow ourselves to be cared for by someone whom we do not feel quite at par with but would like to value all the same and strongly recognize the desire and needs that they also share with us for companionship, and so it is that we sometimes gullibly let our guards down “for the sake of love” and then blindly fall in love with those whom we end up hurting. Because they are not quite at the same level of character as we are, in spite of our delusional wishes that they would be. Alas, it is no surprise that this happens between people who are ill-matched.

So sometimes I still wake up feeling pretty sad and empty and lonely and guilty on account of finally saying my bit — but it needed to come out. I would rather think in my mind that these two particular exes are not even real narcissists, or at least I still choose to wish that. I would rather think that it was probably me who was more of a narcissist in some ways, or many, or perhaps all ways. And maybe I only admit to this because I fear being labelled a narcissist. Yet there were definitely problematic undertones going on so it is also important that this be addressed — the gods only know that all my problematic behaviours were addressed nearly to death! Indeed, this kind of thing can render good people suicidal… when all the abuser had to do was show a little heart, apologize, wish them well, and continue to be a cool ass human. The fact remains that it does not make me feel good to speak about the errors or the abusive treatments that were apparently done to me in my last two relationships. I sometimes say that I know that my last two relationships were not healthy because I was lucky enough to enjoy true healthy relationships in my twenties, thankfully. But then again, can we compare these things? In some ways I feel it’s like comparing apples to oranges. All people and situations and stories are different. But maybe they really were true psychic narcissists (dude’s still in denial about it — fucking empaths, seriously). But maybe they weren’t. Maybe the chemistry between us just wasn’t there, and that’s that. That’s what — I — would like to think.

So what I am trying to say here is that it is not my intention to execute a smear campaign about them, which is why they go unnamed (even though the locals know of a few things). I don’t want to “shame” them. I simple want to heal myself, so to do this I/we must face the ugly side of those who we feel have abused us. But it doesn’t make me feel good to think about this stuff: the negative things concerning the women I loved or wanted to love. But that’s just it: I want to love someone. And I want to be loved in return. Who doesn’t? Its part of life and the thrill of thriving in this world. Because happiness is what truly counts, next to our ability to cope with the lack of it. So because of this and because of my free will I choose to want to be happy again. I choose to want to forgive them even though they were “wrong” in certain manners that they chose to interact with me. I want them to feel loved because I also want to feel loved. I want them to be happy in their own lives because I want to be happy as well.

But the reality is that I am hurting deep inside and in many ways; spiritually mentally emotionally socially… I feel and pretty much am broken inside. Not only do I find it difficult to socialize or to find a good reason to, but I don’t even know where to begin even if I wanted to. I find speaking to girls utterly terrorizing now, so I just clam up. I want to love so much that… I stop myself from allowing it to happen. Its fucked up. CPSTD is the only thing that truly helps to learn about because it at least explains why we are fucked up and that it is for a reason — we aren’t fucked up for no reason; we aren’t born “fucked”. So I now intentionally will not go somewhere if I know that there will be attractive women there who I might let my guard down with and begin to desire. I hate that feeling of being the one who wants it more — always. I had courage to do so for so many years of my life, but now… the abuse over the years ends up rusting the old barn door hinges a little, if you catch my meaning. I want to open up to new people and a new life, but the social platform or common context or reason for interacting with others seems to be absent at present. I still seem to be stuck in what seems to be a vicious cycle of not being involved or implicated or plugged-in to a mission or a focus in life, besides my own little cabin out here way out in the sticks, far from everyone. The solo life can get pretty lonely sometimes. At least there is peace… not tons of laughter and joy, but peace nonetheless.

So far, every day for the last few years has been the same for me. I wake up in this vicious cycle of feeling lost abandoned and betrayed. I must learn how to break this cycle, somehow. I find it hard to regain purpose or a goal of which I alone must discover and chose for myself. I find this extremely difficult to realize because it is as though I have been completely emptied internally, enabled, indoctrinated, brainwashed by the narcissists, and now I find it difficult to even make choices — for myself. Choosing for “two”, no problem. But for one? Hmmm… something’s broken there. Giving is not always better than receiving! For a long time I had to ask myself what it was that I considered to be fun. So I thought about this but could not come up with an answer, because it appears that I have been suffering in some perpetual depressive cycle of CPTSD. I had lost the notion or memory concerning what “fun” actually is, because previously this was always associated to love and romance and relationships and the consideration of the other (before me; not always, but a good part of the time)… that is what was “fun” to me; to see the smile on somebody else’s face who I valued, because we care for them and think that they feel appreciated and so this validates our sense of existence and purpose and demonstrates that we have something to offer others and that this is a rare commodity in high demand — it makes us feel special; “loved”.

But as things are, I am still unsure of what it is that I want out of life. The best I’ve come up with so far is to realize a project or trip or something related to the ocean in southern climates. Not only is it healthy for our bodies, but ocean activities like snorkelling sailing diving surfing… all these things just seem to be fun and challenging things to do that I have never really explored much at all, so it seems to be in this direction that I am now pointing my new one man ship towards. Of course, beyond that all I would ever want is to share that experience with someone who sees me the way that I see them.

On another note, I found it a little bit hypocritical that the other narcissistic support groups would not approve of the above rant in their groups just because I swear a little bit and obviously have certain issues concerning religion. They are supposed to be support groups for people who have been abused, and yet they will not allow someone such as myself to say my bit. How is that fair in anyway? (It’s not. Narcissistic abuse has no god.)

So, alright then: I’m sorry. Please forgive me for allowing others to abuse my ass. Do you see just how crazy that is to ask of someone? “Just forgive and forget — holding a grudge like that (you weakass piece of worthless shit) will only make you even more bitter than you already are (you guilty useless object of nothing)”. Just continue with the abuse then, because clearly that is all that you fucking know how to do in life! And by all means, silence the target of abuse who reaches out for help after nine fucking years of bottling up everything inside on his own like a big strong loyal man and speaking to no one about it or barely; hardly ever receiving any support from all those millions of people out there surrounding me who so easily understand my super common situation, and above all: take the abuser’s side, which — CLEARLY — is me, right?

The very least that the other groups could do is NOT take a side, but allow both parties to have their say. And by the way, what I have been feeling deep down inside the core of my being on account of those abusive experiences is not really what I would call a “grudge”. Its more like C-PTSD.

Alas, what is important here is not me, the ex, my sexuality, or the fact that my ass is sore. What matters here is that there does exist very subtle and sometimes unconscious spiritually abusive interactions between people, and it would seem worthwhile to seriously consider the weight and reality of these things before allowing ourselves to commit to someone, in spite of our strong biological sexual will to hook up.

Control Dramas:

While I do not agree with the rigid dogmatic ways of certain religious sects and the like, what also matters when voluntarily getting stuck in the narcissist’s gravitation field is that we stick to our guns as individuals and that we do not assume that just because we might forgo all that we are were or would be — for the sake of love — that other people will be doing the same for us (obviously). Some people simply do not want to nor do they know how to reflect the light like the moon, they simply want to consume it like black holes do. This is why I sometimes refer to these sickass vampires, not as assholes, but as blackholes.

“If I am guilty of causing drama at least I do it quietly, using text. Unlike some other blackholes out there.”


~ Lemurian

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We must learn to see these people amidst all the darkness surrounding them and protect ourselves in this way or else — we are asking for a shitstorm of fuckery to teach us a seriously painful lesson that we could otherwise minimize if we would but merely — brace yourselves — avoid giving our better half away. But instead give them the half of us that they help to cultivate within us; while reserving the “better half” of ourselves for ourselves and for ourselves only, because there’s nothing quite like having a spare around when the relationship gets a little flat; in fact, it is necessary. After all, two halves make a whole. On some level this doesn’t seem to make sense at first glance, but on another level it means not forsaking or giving away all of ourselves to our significant other with the added false expectation that they will love us all the more for it. Because, chances are that they will not do so. Just because I jump off the dock and into the lake it does not necessarily mean that you will too. If we give away all of our money and assets and power to someone — even if it is out of the pure goodness of our heart for the sake of sharing and caring and then proliferating that generosity — it does not mean that they will do the same in return. Especially if little baby j wants a cut.


“I can understand your extremely negative view on religion. I was raised strict xian and have seen the hypocrisy. Thank goodness my family was not abusive, though. The narc however, was raised Jehovah’s Witness and OMG, I think that religion is in itself extremely narcissistic and absolutely breeds sociopathy. So frightening. They teach manipulation tactics and demand absolute power over their congregation. A true cult.”

~ Michelle

“That’s a whole lot of hurt, from a whole lot of people. Is there any way to get away from those people? It almost sounds like you might have some C-PTSD going on. You’ve endured a lot of abuse and trauma.”

~ Julie

“You can amuse yourself a bit by watching Sam Vaknin on youtube; he has 2 videos where he uses excerpts from the bible to make the argument that Jesus was a narcissist.”

~ Ann

“‘But what if as targets, we are those narcissists who claim to be victims? How the hell are we supposed to know which way is up or down? I find this whole topic very confusing.’ The fact that you’re even asking those questions likely eliminates you as narcissist. A narcissist wouldn’t even ask those questions since they are so deeply in denial about their disorder. Narcissists have certain qualities and characteristics (grandioseness, egocentrism, lack of empathy, etc.). Do you have those qualities? Honest self-examination will give you the answer. A narcissist would never engage in self-examination. Narcissists will use tactics to make you crazy so you don’t know which way is up or down and then make themselves out to be the victim.”

~ Lance

“How can you battle a person with no emphaty, who is master of deceptions, who thinks you’re weak because you have emotions, and who mirrored others all his/her life, that she/he has now perfected your predictable responses and reactions, so that he/she can always stay a couple chess moves ahead of you?”

~ Risma

“Ouch I’m really sorry Curtis it sounds like you had a terrible experience w/ cultists, and it’s completely understandable you’re angry and hurt. And for that as a xian myself I am truly sorry you had to go through that. Real xianity calls us to love and not condemn. I have sadly encountered similar things and types of extremists and discontinued any contact with them for sanity’s sake. I hope you’re finding peace and acceptance in your journey to healing.”

~ Heather

“Cussing has been scientifically proven to help people feel better, and, In my experience, church people are the absolute worst. My mom was one of them, when I sprained my ankle one time, she just prayed over it an refused to take me to a doctor. I crawled around on the floor for three days until my older brother found a pair of crutches at a pawn shop. I didn’t go to school, because I’d gotten there by walking myself every day. Mom just left me to take care of myself, she’d prayed over it, so it was “God’s will.” My problem usually arises when people use religion as an excuse for bad or irresponsible behavior.

~ Gayla

“God is either not all powerful or he is an asshole. I am not too into religion bashing. I tend to let people believe what they want until it starts interfering in my life in a negative way, like someone trying to fore their beliefs onto me. It also seems to be a character flaw a lot of times; they need a reason to follow good morals? They need to fear hell to be a good person? Why not just be a good person because you feel it is the right thing to do? I don’t need anyone to manipulate me into being a decent human. All it takes is me personally not wanting to be a shitty one.”

~ Daryl

“Joyce, your comment reminds me of another one similar in content. You might consider my response:

“I plainly state in this article that religion is like poison to me. Now you are asking YOUR religious “God” to bless me? Why don’t you just leave me alone instead of offering me more of the poison that I just informed you about that poisons my spirit?

“He blames everything and everyone in his life for all of his problems.”

Wait a second… are you some kind of oracle? Because it seems as though the above statement would be the perfect choice of words for an abuser to convince their target of. Do I blame my mother for all of my problems? What about my father? Or my sister? Or real friendships?

Please inform us all on this “everyone” of which you claim I blame all of my problems on. Enlighten us all on your vast knowledge base of what empathy truly means. How would you know what I need? Have you asked me? Do you even really care about what I need? Are you perhaps more concerned about how others might perceive you and your apparent association to religion? Would it upset you that other people would support me when it comes to matters of not only narcissistic but religious injustices and the lack of empathy? Do you feel attacked by that statement? Does my choice of freedom of expression make you feel attacked and cornered?

“Not much time, if any, on his contributions to his life’s difficulties”, does this make grammatical logical sense? If I am claiming to be a target of abuse why are we proposing to shine the light on that target’s responsibilities for his life’s difficulties rather than on those of the abusers of which the target is attempting to identify? Are we asking the target of abuse to take blame for the abuse he is expressing is a reality which the target experiences in relation to religious persons and those persons’ dogmatic apparently enough blind and skewed sense of justice?

Why would you want YOUR “God” to bless my tortured mind body and soul? Did I ask you for this “favor” of yours? Is it something that I have expressed that would help me?

Can you predict the future? Seriously, though, can you? I would love to have that super power… In fact, I’m feeling a little jealous right now because you seem to have that superpower but I don’t. Perhaps I do need psychological help for years to come but are you presuming that you know best on account of what kind of psychological help I need? Are you proposing to offer me this psychological help? Because if you are, while I might need help from someone and would welcome that I certainly would never ask help from someone like you, Jeffery.

Are you stoned right now?

Where is your other cheek?”

~ Curtis

“Xians… great literary term! Xians ARE the definition of cruelty.”

~ Hank

“It’s nice to come across someone with their own thoughts and own voice and someone who doesn’t have to follow the unthinking masses. And “baby j” would be appauled by how “the xians” use him as their mascot in order to strike fear in those who don’t “believe in him.””

~ Layla

“You’re not alone. We’ve all dealt with the insanity a narc can unleash in our lives.”

~ Julie

“I have to wonder what you would be like had you had someone who built you up.”

~ Rachel


Have a good one folks!


Religion: Medicine For Some, Poison For Others

Religion nearly killed me.

The effects that religion had on me as a younger man nearly made me take my own life, out of a profound sense of feeling rejected, shun, bad, worthless, etc. by those very people whom I trusted to help guide me towards my higher purpose. The effect of being sent the message that we are totally worthless to those whom we invest all of our time and energy into or through or with, after we have placed all of our faith and hopes and strengths and talents in the… air, as we are told to do by those supposed ‘spiritual leaders’ (more like: spiritual abusers) can strip a person’s true spiritual identity down into shreds. This is truly destructive in an extremely psychologically sick and twisted and usually unseen way. People who have not been infected by this religious poison simply cannot relate, so do yourselves a favour and don’t expect anyone to understand besides others who have forged a similar path as your own, if this has been your experience also. I gave all of who I was away, sacrificing everything about me in order to trade my being, my life, my own spiritual freedom, for a promise to everlasting life in some really boring living conditions (no sex in heaven!? Wtf!?). Blindly placing our trust in such an empty promise — which no man or woman has the right to make in the place of the gods — can totally destroy our identity, our goals, aspirations, motivation, drive, reality, priorities, self-esteem etc.. It is how free spirits are broken down, shattered, deconstructed and retransformed into nothing, powerless; good for the grave. Just consider the destructive effects that religion had on native pagan cultures everywhere, in the age of colonization.

Social ostracism inflicted onto us by those we reach out to for help can utterly ruin our normal ability to function in society, and because that we will leave our former life, most of our friends, our passions, hobbies, hopes and dreams, purpose, and also then eventually leave the “new family” who are supposedly “saved” and will always “love” us and help us — to figuratively sell all we are and own for one single thing called “heaven” (when in reality this is just sect/cult acceptance — because we are programmed to serve and please those who dictate “the word of god” (such bullshit, no man or woman knows the mind of god, yet alone all infinite numbers of all of the gods))… such people will find themselves very alone without anyone, rendered socially and psychologically incapacitated, or estranged at best.

The fact is that we are social creatures much like wolves are. It has been documented throughout history that the encouragement of our peers can make all the difference in life and death situations. Consider: a young Japanese child performing acrobats in front of his school might not be capable of performing his or her task, and after a few failed attempts this then causes this child to cry in front of everyone, but once that child’s peers circle around that child and bow down to this individual in loud energetic repetitive chant in order to encourage that chid, as is Japanese customs…  that individual is then capable of succeeding at the task, against all odds.

Religious people know and understand just how truly powerful a role that social psychology plays in a person’s life, especially a child’s, and how peer-encouragement or the lack thereof can either make or break anyone. The best part? That is exactly how and why religious manipulation was DESIGNED — and not by the gods, but by man. Concerning dogma such as, “the meek shall inherit the earth”; the weakest one will win / “the first shall be last”… well, this is intensely problematic because those who (naturally) WANT to win — but then DENY that nature about themselves will believe this type of logical fallacy to be rooted in some kind of actual reality, here — on Earth. When, in reality, those ideas exist solely in the mind. As usual… saying one thing while doing something else entirely, usually polar opposite in professed quality of heart. Weak people don’t win, folks. They just get good at losing; which, admittedly, is an art and a strength in and of itself… but I digress this to the realm of paradox. As Alan Watts reveals to us, “they believe that they should believe”. We could also say that they choose to believe. How ironic is that; if we choose to believe in something or someone, what power can belief ever truly have over our freedom of choice — the source?


We cannot “debunk” a belief. We can only demonstrate that it is a choice. Naturally every choice has it’s consequences, of which we are solely responsible for. So if anyone is thinking of joining a religious group or is currently in one, even “for the sake of love” well… I’ll pray for you (religious people’s way of saying: “Go hang yourself”)! Sure, pray for the hungry and the poor but the poor and the hungry would be way better off if you just made them a goddamn sandwich instead, maybe even slip them a few bills, and check up on them every once in a while, you know… out of LOVE (the real kind).

Religious people must learn that just because they think that their dogma or religion or so-called ‘spirituality’ will save them and makes their lives more virtuous — IT DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN THAT THIS WILL NOT BE ANYTHING LESS THAN TOTAL FUCKING KRIPTONITE TO OTHER FREE SPIRITS.

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Religion is a serious mental poison for some of us out there which can and will debilitate even the strongest of men. It is my firm experience that there is much more pure unconscious evil in religious circles than there is outside of those groups.

Religious people know this powerful social weapon works; that’s why they shun people. “Enable them like showering a heroin addict with narcotics, then if they step out of line — pull the rug right under their feet cold turkey using the purest form of hate: IGNORANCE” (heroin addicts will — DIE — if they go cold turkey). Don’t let yourself or your friends or family poison themselves with this most wicked of evils that exists in this world: those people who claim to know and understand the mind of god, but instead covertly, whether unconsciously or deliberately so, are more concerned with gutting your soul right out of your insides and turning you into a dull lifeless guilt-ridden shameful small and unworthy mind-salve deserving of nothing more than mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse — by far the most vile form of abuse that there is, has been or will ever be on Earth. To have the effect of (deliberately) making a man or woman feel or think that — GOD — does not approve of them as a creature, either by way of shunning them or any other form of abuse, just because they voice their own mind… well, what a deeply profound horror this truly is.

Stay curious and limitless in wonder, my friends. That’s how life is designed; we are not meant to have all the answers or solve all the problems. Real gods do not have all the answers either, but I’m not certain of that because I don’t claim to know what the gods think or feel at any given moment of every single day! Believing that one god or one dogma will answer all of life’s endless questions and fill the cup of wonder to the brim, while you trade away your life for it — is literally worshiping LIES.

Respect yourself and your neighbours more than that.


Photo: Operation Werewolf 


Have a good one folks!