There is nothing more that toxic abusive persons cannot stand than being exposed for what they truly are. They simply cannot stand it! It drives them absolutely gut wrenching mad. I think that y’all would be proud of me for having stood up for love in spite of being blocked from the group that I posted in, related to Permaculture. I posted the following three paragraphs with a link to my small acreage here and as a result was blocked for the reasons mentioned below. Although the administrator has the sole power and control to manage the group on behalf of all of the members in the group, I chose to fight for what I intuitively sensed was a form of abuse or gas lighting, in light of the fact that matters concerning issues of virtue and love were apparently at stake. I was also personally crushed at an emotional level which is never fun. So, did I do the right thing?
“Any available partners/gorgeous young nature permaculture offgridcabin wife-material babes in this group?
Kinda would be nice to share this little gem in the sticks that has so much potential, otherwise I might end up renting it out for someone else to enjoy as I am finding the solo journey a little monotonous at times.
Permagirls are turning out to be of the rarest kind, so much so that I am starting to wonder if there is even a single one available out there!”
After much bickering in the thread I chose to send this response:
Hey everyone. The way I speak or text… is just fine. Commanding how others choose to express themselves, however, is NOT “just fine”, it’s called suppressing freedom of speech which is not what social media is about or Permaculture for that matter. However, in light of new specific rules concerning how we word things in this particular group, I am willing to re-consider posting strictly on matters of Permaculture and less so on matters of the birds and the bees…
So as a result of getting temporarily blocked from the group I had a great opportunity to express to the admin the following:
“Did you block me from the group for one post of mine because… I’m reaching out to people to help me on my Permaculture acreage? That kind of action is disproportionate. If you’re intimidated by my post because I have the courage to reach out to others and because I am ALSO offering a great Permaculture acreage for others to enjoy… then why not just take down the post, or better yet, warn/educate me on your reasons for having blocked me so that I might learn and grow as a man and reword things to conform to your own group censorship. Banning me or anyone for that matter from interacting with other Permaculture folk just for one allegedly erroneous post… well, it’s cruel of you to treat people like that, as you have now severed any possibility for me to not only find LOVE — the highest human virtue (which includes Permaculture; birds and the bees, folks) but also preventing others to connect with me or I with them on matters of Permaculture.”
The admin was kind enough to explain to me the following:
“If you use the group to promote your air b n b
and use words like wife material
to solicite a mate
you will be blocked
Feel free to rejoin
this group is for sharing information
group is for people who post *meaningful* content
self promoters are regarded as guests by myself the creator of the group
and will be removed at my discretion
my *apologies* on behalf of the admin who approved your post”
[*was added by me]
So I replied:
“Thanks for the clear explanation, man. If you could send me the link to the group or an invite, that’d be great. I’ll be sure to post meaningful content that meets your above description better. But this is a Permaculture farm here so… Thanks for understanding. And thanks again so much for your sincere apologies. I’m impressed, actually.”
Now, for those of you who have chosen to “justify” belittling me or insult me directly — not only have you contributed to and encouraged extinguishing the spark of love and vulnerability in others, much like is the vulnerability of delicate seedlings in the first few days of germination, but you also provided an excellent example of psychological projection. This is good because we can all learn from this, as we often project our own personal intimate feelings and perceptions of ourselves — onto others, a number of times each day. So it never hurts to make note of these sorts of (toxic) habits, for the sake of improved human relationships.
So, in reality and in light of the context and weight of what has occurred here, this post now has nothing to do with romance or anything personal concerning me. The ethics concerned here is simple: whenever someone reaches out for love in anyway it is wrong to punish that individual. In fact, it is the cruellest thing to do to another human being, and any mature adult knows this. Alas, the admin might have had a rough day, or maybe some other explanation applies. No one is perfect, right?
However, it must also be said that demonstrating this kind of stellar vulnerability often attracts people who not only struggle with reaching out to others themselves, rendering themselves vulnerable (an undesirable thing for those of us who do not wish to be hurt by others), but they also see this as an opportunity to control and suppress such courage and indirectly so, the woman or man at the helm of such courage. Doing this of course is neither commendable nor courageous in ANY way – no matter what “reason or justifications” anyone dreams of attaching to this cruel action toward other sentient human beings. But then again, nobody’s perfect, right?
Having said that, I did clearly include the fact that this acreage is a *Permaculture acreage* and that it ought to be enjoyed by a loving couple who love the Permaculture life or a place such as this, for the sake of Permaculture — as, while I am able to enjoy the lifestyle on my own like Hans Solo banished to a distant Permaculture planet, it would be twice as enjoyable to enjoy these things with at least one other special someone. So, in reality this post is more about the Permaculture acreage than it is about my own personal situation — I doubt very much that anyone in their right mind in the Permaculture community would want to see a Permaculture acreage such as this go to industrial GMO farmers who only care about money, or am I wrong? So if I might dare speak freely here: this is entirely related to Permaculture, which this group is interested in. So, again, what is important here is not that I find a mate. What is important here is that this post is related to Permaculture and also matters of virtue and that, while it is good to keep one another in check from time to time concerning community standards of the group, it is also NEVER wrong to defend love or matters concerning love and those who have the courage to express that love to others by reaching out for it like a goddamn superhero.
Only a toxic personality would not only punish but also even ask other people to apologize for reaching out to them, loving them, or wanting to do so, or even worse: wanting to be loved. This is fucking disgusting. Never apologize for your superhero strengths, folks. The world can always use a little more love — ALWAYS.
In psychology we colloquially call this kind of toxic control or manipulation “gaslighting” – to make someone doubt that something like reaching out for love or any other noble gesture such as that is good; sowing seeds of doubt in others’ perception of their own physiological reality and honourable motives. This is extremely toxic behaviour and it ought to be addressed just as any other community standards ought to be addressed.
My heart felt crushed due to having been blocked without any warning or explanation for my very first post in this group. It was a terrible first experience. It made me feel that loving or wanting to be loved in return is wrong and unacceptable to everyone in this group, when in reality it was merely a handful of people who took offence at this “wonderful opportunity”.
While it is not my job to teach the administrator a lesson in life, I am not going to just sit here and say nothing about the implications involved concerning how I was treated on account of this one single post, not only in the context of social networking, free speech, and issues involving Permaculture land management as well as who manages that land, but also concerning the very driving force behind all of creation including saplings seedlings the birds and the bees: the unstoppable nurturing force of love, and indirectly, the desire to survive, to live, and to thrive. Fortunately we have platforms such as this to (allegedly) express ourselves and communicate with one another so that we all might learn and grow into maturity and hopefully towards love, in spite of any political agenda we might want to push onto others, such as feminism or the like.
Things that we say which enables abuse:
You’ll get over it.
You’re just imagining things.
There’s no problem.
Don’t be like that.
They have a right to act that way.
They’re just doing their job.
Don’t be so upset over something so trivial.
What did you do?
Aaah, there just bugging you a little.
I wouldn’t worry about it.
You’re being way to sensitive about this.
Just don’t think about it.
No one cares.
You always think that.
It’s not like they did/do it intentionally.
You’re just being paranoid.
You’re blowing things way out of proportion.
Abuse doesn’t apply to men.
Everyone gets “brainwashed”.
You shouldn’t just trust your “instincts” like that. Why do you do that?
Why do you always say that?
How can you think those things about them?
Nothing ever changes.
You don’t really think that you can make a difference, do you?
You worthless piece of shit.
Think of your reputation.
Why can’t you be like all of the other reindeer?
God can’t bless you for that.
Shut the fuck up, Donny.
I thank all of you for standing up for me, but more importantly for standing up for someone who is reaching out for a little help, whether or not it is myself, or some other woman or man. This speaks volumes on the nature of YOUR healthy characters.
Whether we are on the farm or in the city or on some other planet, it is usually important for us to learn how to forgive one another and to make room for imperfections from time to time. In fact, it is necessary for the well-being of our collective humanity and the direction that we choose to take that humanity into the future. I don’t know about the rest of the members in this group, but as far as I’m concerned I could do without another war on this beautiful planet of ours.
I would also like to thank those of you who did choose to take offence at my post. And just for you super special ladies and gents I will submit another post which is not related to romance or love or reaching out for companionship or help in anyway; would this please you at all? It will be a post from a friend of mine who successfully managed to produce three different grades of oil, gasoline and butane all from burning cow patties and twigs. You will like it, I promise.
Thanks again, folks. Stay strong, and remember:
ALWAYS defend love in whatever shape or form she takes, our sanity depends upon it.
We all grew a notch here today, so let’s be thankful huh?
“My honest opinion based on your account of the situation is that the Permaculture Group has every right to not allow classified, “singles,” type posts. I could understand wanting to keep that kind of stuff off a page and to insist that members strictly stick to permaculture information/content.
If people responded by berating, insulting, or belittling you, then that is wrong of them. Though that is a separate issue.
I also think that going around and making a big deal of the situation is itself unskillful, in that it is perpetuating the drama. My advice would be to accept the group admin’s decision, decide to stay or leave the group based on whether or not you still want to participate in the group about permaculture with the people that are there. If the people are too rude/mean/childish, then consider finding a different permaculture group.
There’s always going to be bullies, idiots, and trolls on the internet. It comes with the territory. Think of it as an opportunity to practice emotional detachment and equanimity.
I fail all the time at this stuff. It’s easy enough for native emotionally detached from a situation that doesn’t involve me. But that’s just my take on what the best approach should be.”
“Yeah, and it was also a disproportionate reaction/treatment, which naturally will generate a sense of something being off. I can learn, move on, and forgive. I can also however signal where I felt and think that I was targeted in some offensive ill-intended way. And I must stand up to that, at least once. If we know that what we feel deep inside of our being is in someway disproportionate or unfair, it is the consideration of and even duty for any sentient being to stand up and speak out about it. It’s also not against community standards.”
Intuitively I sensed that this was the polite and mature thing to do; to communicate clearly and as respectfully as possible. But trust me, at first I felt like shaming the individual and running my own smear campaign against the admin, as this comment does to some degree, unfortunately, by implication — targets/abusers are intertwined like yin and yang; though, it is not the primary intension. However, I realized in my own moment of anger that acting offensively (which I am EXTREMELY talented at executing) would only cause more harm and further stunt that individual’s personal growth towards empathy and the like. However it ought to be noted here that:
Anger would be and is the correct response if in fact being targeted in an intentionally abusive or narcissistic attack. Any action — even if exaggerated by anger — would be and is always better than doing or saying absolutely nothing. Try really hard not to murder them, though.
Let’s take a moment to consider ethics when it comes to times of war as was the case in Nazi Germany, right? Well, we don’t need wars to give one another the excuse to act honourably for the sake of preserving mankind’s highest virtues within relationships, friend or foe. But instead of resorting to anger only, I chose to fine-tune that anger or energy into information logic and healthy reasoning on matters concerning the indisputable importance of our highest human virtues which surpass culture, race, gender, and even religion and spirituality. Perhaps somewhat out of the confines of strict Permaculture group community standards etc., but higher human virtues nonetheless. So I reworded my original knee-jerk reaction as best I could… like when speaking to a child.
So what do you guys think? Obviously, I would welcome any encouragement either in this group or in the Permaculture group where I made my original post. But I choose to think that what is important here as far as people in groups like psychological abuse are concerned about, which is, mainly: psychological emotional mental etc. abuse and how to manage or interact with or call out people who intentionally engage in toxic abusive collisions with others who’s only plea is to demonstrate a little empathy or a need for help or love or the like.
There’s nothing “wrong” with love, folks. There never has been, and there never will be (that’s one of the reasons for why we call it “love”). And there’s nothing wrong with opening up to others who reject that love; it is far more difficult and honourable to let our guard down in order to take a risk on love than it is to crush those who do have their guards down… allegorically speaking, it’s kinda like driving a tank over the feet of Permaculture growers who are working as hard as they can to seed their garden with the best seeds possible, barefoot.
However, lastly, I am also realizing that it does not really matter what other people think. What matters is that we stand up as individuals to what we sense is evil or toxic or abusive, and that no matter what everyone else might say to discourage us or alter our perceptions about what we not only know is true and real and good, but also sense from the deepest core of our being must be defended and even nurtured as much as possible.
We come into this world alone, and we leave this world alone — with nothing else but our selves and the ripple effects that we leave behind in this world. Don’t let anyone take away or minimize or control or manipulate or silence or repress or limit or belittle the LOVE that you were given. That love far outweighs anything else on Earth, the universe, multiverse, as well as in the spiritual realms. It’s value is indefinitely priceless. The world desperately needs for us to love one another, learn, and grow towards improvement as a more sentient race of human beings.
Feeling good IS a right, in my opinion, and another reason for why I say tha when it comes to a real full fledged rotten angry spiteful little abuser, the toxic treatment is intentional because, as irrational as this appears to be, we would not intentionally harm another but if indeed we are dealing with a toxic person, chances are that they are acting intentionally. However, this logic doesn’t work in a normal healthy social context… because, who in their right mind would presume such a horrible thing? But with an abuser this logic works just fine! That’s how we can spot them coming at us from miles and miles and miles away, via trial and error, using this assumption (lightly and with healthy intention), and if the patterns start showing face one after another like a line of falling dominoes, well, then the sadass abuser gets exposed, and they just LOVE that sort of thing. Then their apologies really start becoming sincere at that fresh new opportunity of hoping that those involved will fall for it and choose to beilieve them.
We might start teaching this stuff in high school ASAP, lest we continue on as a society full of zombic vampires limping around and running things out there.
Alas, it felt cruel so I was compelled to speak up about it. There were a number of others who I have become friends with in light of this unfortunate collision of values; they have expressed to me that they too have felt treated harshly in this way and as a result have left that group, have attempted to communicate with the admin but to no avail and then subsequently blocked, with an apparent time bomb of blocking since my response on the post with other people’s feedback in the post’s defence as it did in fact contain harmless content and “wording” which was related to the group theme: Permaculture. What is this, Nazi Germany? The group rules were also magically changed that day due to the “wording” of my post.
So it appears that I might not be the only one who has felt this suspected narcissistic attack.
It was a disproportionate treatment which invites another.
But hey, I could be wrong.
“People are just hurt, suffering, and afraid. So they act overconfidently and aggressively to make up for it. No one wants to die, unless its on their own terms. Even then, most go reluctantly… leaving that one possibility to the wind.”
Meh… let’s look on the bright side here, folks: abuser/target collisions have great potential to generate some decent publicity for one another.
I will add you as a friend, I like your style!
Wow! Stellar, phenomenal communique’! I definitely feel you my friend. And, very glad to have somewhat blindly but instinctively jumped in to fray… I clearly bet on the right horse. Love, as you have so aptly identified it. And you, so eloquently have valourized the feelings/emotions/common sense of those who chose to lend support. Wonderful, wonderful words and insights. Thanks for sharing.
So I wanna say I find this stuff somewhat hokey, but I’ve been so sad that only one male I know rears up against oppression alongside of me. And lately it’s felt like what are we waiting on to be authentic and fight for a true human experience.
Just wanted to say that was very eloquently put. Not many people could stand up for themselves these days without resorting to abuse themselves – shows you are made of fine mettle. Keep up the good work, hang on in there, & I’m sure you will find exactly who & what you are searching for. Well done.
Just wanted to say that was very eloquently put. Not many people could stand up for themselves these days without resorting to abuse themselves – shows you are made of fine mettle. Keep up the good work, hang on in there, & I’m sure you will find exactly who & what you are searching for. Well done.Don’t let anyone take away or minimize or control or manipulate of silence or repress or limit or belittle the LOVE that you were given. That love far outweighs anything else on Earth, the universe, multiverse, and in the spiritual realms. It’s value is indefinitely priceless. The world desperately needs for us to love one another, learn, and grow towards improvement as a more sentient race or human beings.’ Thanks! That really spoke to me. I needed to read that.
Hey! I can’t believe the permaculture admin blocked you!! I thought your post was fine! This PC BS is getting totally out of control! The feminists went bonkers over your wording. I get that feminism is good, but it’s also a real problem. There were a few of us who appreciated your honesty… a few of us are expressing surprise about it. Anyway, a few women (maybe four) made femi-nazi remarks and then the moderator blocked you. There were at least that many defending you.
Some were later asking how they were supposed to generate their permaculture harem then post turned into the funniest thing I’ve read in ages. Geez, would you really want to be in a group with a moderator like that? Lots have chosen to leave because of how the admin dealt with it – but left your post up; perhaps felt threatened hence the alpha male – “I don’t know how to compete (that it should even be a consideration) so I’ll block him”.
In fact I thought you’re freaking comment on the Permaculture site was hilarious that’s why I messaged you. It’s better to put it right out there and say it like it is then to pretend to be something you’re not in order to please more people. The only ones worth pleasing are the ones that are going to be on your vibe anyway. All the rest are operating on a lower level.
Thanks for sharing. Since you asked in the spirit of learning and growing, I will share my point of view upon reviewing the report. The post contained baited wording that clearly violated the group’s terms and their admin chose to take the action they were empowered to make. They were also, respectful enough to reconcile the situation with prompt guidance on how to be successful with group posts.
Respect for boundaries and limits and the ability to commune with edifying and respectful words are essential life skills to practice. Direct communication and appropriate emotional detachment are important practices as well. Attaching a broad emotional cause such as, “standing up for love,” may lack perspective, rational detachment, and consideration for the many other choices and boundaries that were described in this scenario.
Thank you for asking.
I don’t think your wording was wrong. I think that your wording expressed who you are as an individual. There are women who like being referred to as ‘babes’ and there are women who hate it and are offended by it. There are people who view the term ‘marriage material’ as equating with women being a property that you have ownership of. They can not read those words and translate them into what I believe you meant and see ‘someone interested in a long term committed relationship’. The internet is an odd place. People read words without seeing your body language and hearing your tone. They read those words without having read many things you have written in the past where you show yourself to be a kind, compassionate and respectful person and so they read that you want a ‘babe’ who is ‘marriage material’ and get their panties in a knot. I am an old woman who is a feminist storm trooper but because I know your tone from reading things you have written over a period of time, I am not offended by what you wrote. Unfortunately we live in a world where people have knee jerk reactions to things without giving reflection to where the writer is coming from. So, in my opinion, your wording wasn’t ‘wrong’ it just wasn’t phrased with words that would appeal to those that I would think would be participating in a permaculture group even though they say they value diversity.
Have a good one folks!